My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
