I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
