I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
