I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
