the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
