On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
