Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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