Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
