You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
