worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
