We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
