that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
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He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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