I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
