Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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