WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
