He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
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its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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