I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
