Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
