I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
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Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
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I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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