totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize