Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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