If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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