Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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