you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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