i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Im part way to drunk.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
