We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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