he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
