I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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