Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
