Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
