so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
