finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
