I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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