Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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