Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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