Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
