I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
