Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
