I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
