I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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