the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize