I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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