I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
