I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
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