the new term for farting is butt boxing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
