meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
