just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
