then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
