so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
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My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
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I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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