2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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