dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
