Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
FUCK WHALES
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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