TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
