I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
