Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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