We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
