I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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