That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
