Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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