Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
