god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
